Long time no see, eh?

I don't know if I'm really in the mood of keeping this blog, but, let's try...

I've been needing to write something down, to put something out of my system. The good part of it is that I can say, almost all the sadness is gone. The sadness of not knowing, the sadness of not understand what's going on, and the sadness of seeing no escape.

Definately it is gone. But what is there now? A full glass. A completely full glass, and one certain thing: I know a way of making it. I'm fighting my own resistance. And how big it is! Today I was at my german class, and I realize that sometimes I want to behave like a depressed person... not doing anything, just sleep, and lay there to watch TV... to watch a reality show, where somebody else's life is getting better, like a dream come true, like a miracle...

Not me... I think. Who wants to do it, to lay there? Not me! It's that damn resistance I have deep inside, and now it's the moment of facing it. The moment of being myself, to face that amazing reality that says: "Everything is at your reach, you're just one step away...". And I know it's true. And I also know how fearful this can be. What is that truth? What if I don't want to see it because I already have a pre-concept of what it is, and maybe deep inside I know... that I'll have to let something go, and I'm afraid of it. I am surely afraid. Letting go of what? My family, my boyfriend, my pityful feeling for those who aren't as lucky as I am? How can I know better? What if life can be just amazing?

And yet, I don't see the path. Cause maybe I'm following somebody's else. Maybe I am afraid of following my own. It's easier to follow somebody, isn't it? But I am a leader, I want to inspire people, I want to make them feel better about themselves. I wanna scream to the world how beautiful everybody is, and how powerful one can be, and that we together, we can make it.

Maybe it's true, I'm closer to this than I think. Because right now I'm dealing with the oposition forces brutally. They act through me, and this makes everything harder. But it is like when the hero is against the wall, wich means that I'll have to kick everybody's asses in any minute. And run away to the cliff... that cliff was in my dreams. Time to jump.

I'll not give up, so it doesn't matter.